I thank you for not being good enough

You pulled me into your orbit

when I needed your help

and so, I made you my centre 

to centre myself

 

That was my first mistake

 

I looked inside you

for places where I could hide

I hoped to run from reality

into the delusions of your mind

I was happy to believe you were one of a kind

chuffed upon chuffed that you were mine

and I felt adored

Grateful to my core

(though you lacked care, effort, remorse)

that I was yours

 

Sometimes I took comfort

in us having to live in your head

I took pleasure

in finally being lead

I would relax and say “okay,

we will follow your script 

I will not have a say in this”

 

Fair, even, equal – were removed concepts

they lost the race 

because they seemed unimportant 

next to heartbreak

I was happy to do things your way

I was petrified of the highway

 

So long I’d been strong, the person that others stand on

the person with the plan, the one who wears the pants

I was refreshed by your control

because there was warmth and comfort

in your hold

even though I stressed each day

about when you’d take your grip away

 

Anxiety surrounded the reality you shook

and shook

pain streamed from the reflection you distorted

then presented and confronted me with

until the world and I shook

and shook

your savage words upon words threaded me bare

and destroyed my every nook

of who I thought I was

and what I believed

until I couldn’t see 

anything but my need

 

For you

 

So I said “yes”

I said “yes-yes-yes”

I did “yes”

I gave “yes”

anything: “yes”

because that was better than the stress

of what “no” ensued

when your ego bruised

 

But 

 

I could never morph fully into your hold

I could never dissipate enough into your folds

I was never small enough for you to not notice me

I’d always be there with my noisy selfhood

my identity getting in the way

the selfish hopes for my happiness

my ridiculous need for fulfilment

and for my own life to shine too

I practically dared you

to abandon me

so that there would be absolute clarity

of your needs

and no shred of your desires

would go unseen

 

It was unfair,

too much, too hard

that I should expect you to nurture me

support is only needed for weak structures

like the bones

of your cleverly hidden none-confidence 

of your masterfully muted uncertainty

of your secretly swollen insecurity

you needed it more than me

 

So, we will go

our separate ways

but I sincerely pray

that whoever manages to fulfil you

is honestly fulfilled too

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