You pulled me into your orbit
when I needed your help
and so, I made you my centre
to centre myself
That was my first mistake
I looked inside you
for places where I could hide
I hoped to run from reality
into the delusions of your mind
I was happy to believe you were one of a kind
chuffed upon chuffed that you were mine
and I felt adored
Grateful to my core
(though you lacked care, effort, remorse)
that I was yours
Sometimes I took comfort
in us having to live in your head
I took pleasure
in finally being lead
I would relax and say “okay,
we will follow your script
I will not have a say in this”
Fair, even, equal – were removed concepts
they lost the race
because they seemed unimportant
next to heartbreak
I was happy to do things your way
I was petrified of the highway
So long I’d been strong, the person that others stand on
the person with the plan, the one who wears the pants
I was refreshed by your control
because there was warmth and comfort
in your hold
even though I stressed each day
about when you’d take your grip away
Anxiety surrounded the reality you shook
and shook
pain streamed from the reflection you distorted
then presented and confronted me with
until the world and I shook
and shook
your savage words upon words threaded me bare
and destroyed my every nook
of who I thought I was
and what I believed
until I couldn’t see
anything but my need
For you
So I said “yes”
I said “yes-yes-yes”
I did “yes”
I gave “yes”
anything: “yes”
because that was better than the stress
of what “no” ensued
when your ego bruised
But
I could never morph fully into your hold
I could never dissipate enough into your folds
I was never small enough for you to not notice me
I’d always be there with my noisy selfhood
my identity getting in the way
the selfish hopes for my happiness
my ridiculous need for fulfilment
and for my own life to shine too
I practically dared you
to abandon me
so that there would be absolute clarity
of your needs
and no shred of your desires
would go unseen
It was unfair,
too much, too hard
that I should expect you to nurture me
support is only needed for weak structures
like the bones
of your cleverly hidden none-confidence
of your masterfully muted uncertainty
of your secretly swollen insecurity
you needed it more than me
So, we will go
our separate ways
but I sincerely pray
that whoever manages to fulfil you
is honestly fulfilled too
